Imagine Eat, Pray, Love, but minus the rose-tinted specs and told with a wicked sense of humour (not that we don’t love you Liz Gilbert) and you’ve got the gist of Australian radio host Mary Lou Stephens’ new memoir, Sex, Drugs and Meditation. In and out of rehab for her various addictions, and with enough hours of therapy under her belt to keep Dr Phil busy for several seasons, Mary Lou comes face-to-face with the realisation that guess what, something still isn’t working. And so she decides to brave the inner wilds of her soul on a Vipassana silent meditation retreat – with life changing results.
We caught up with the author to hear what happens to your head when you just stop yakking, and how meditation beats talking therapy hands down.
Over to you, Mary Lou. Numi x
A LOT OF YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE BOOK STEM FROM YOU CONFUSING BEING BUSY WITH BEING HAPPY. WY DO A LOT OF US DO THAT?
“A boyfriend once told me that I wasn’t happy unless I was busy. I took it as a compliment. Each day had to be productive otherwise I would feel useless and depressed. Every weekend was full of To Do lists. Perhaps it was my upbringing. My mother was a Christian of the self-righteous variety. Everyone had to prove themselves worthy by word and deed. It was our responsibility to set a good example for others and that included working hard and never shirking.
These days being busy is a badge of honour. We feel as if we’re successful, important, and high achievers if we’re always too busy to think. But if we did stop for a minute, we may discover that all is not so well. So we’d rather keep busy and keep those doubts at bay. We gird our loins, grit our teeth and carry on. So actually being busy is a substitute for being happy.”
SO 10 DAYS OF TOTAL SILENCE. YOUR SURVIVAL TIPS, PLEASE?
“Our minds like to stay in the same safe little groove and Vipassana is designed to bust you out of that groove big time. This can be scary and therefore your mind will tell you it is bad for you, and try to get you to leave. When this happens, firstly know that what your mind is telling you is not true. Your house is not burning down or being eaten by termites. You will not develop deep vein thrombosis from sitting still for so long. Everyone else on the retreat does not hate you.
Then, remember why you wanted to go to Vipassana in the first place. Usually it’s about wanting some kind of change or clarity. If you stay in the same safe place you will not find what you’re looking for. You need to stick your head up and have a look at the whole picture. Yes, it may feel as though your head is about to get blown off but I promise you, it won’t. Stay put, keep meditating and everything will be just fine. You may ache a bit but you will be okay, better than okay actually. You will be grand and glorious.”
WHY DOES MEDITATION HEAL PLACES OTHER ADDICTION THERAPIES CANNOT REACH?
“You know when a toddler hurts themselves, not badly, and you can see them think about whether to be upset about it or not? You have those few seconds to distract them. And if you’re lucky you can head them off at the pass, thus avoiding a whole heap of noise and mucus. That’S what meditation can give us. Just a few seconds of detachment to think about the choices we have. And that’s the key. Choice.
Through meditation, we learn that we don’t have to be driven by automatic reactions. We come out of the habit pattern of our minds, and get enough space to look around and go; “What do I really want here?” It’s a very powerful thing. Saying that, I still react to things, and sometimes badly. I get angry and resentful and hurt – many of the things that cause an addict to use – but I now have the ability to observe myself being all those things and can be quite detached from it. Once again I can ask the question, “Is this really what I want to be doing, feeling or thinking right now?” Sometimes the answer is “yes.” Sometimes I like to wallow in my own misery. But I can’t take it seriously anymore.”
VERSUS TALKING THERAPY?
“Endlessly talking about our feelings can keep us stuck in the very feelings we’re trying to process and move on from. I’m not advocating suppressing things or sweeping everything under the rug. I’ve been to many counsellors and therapists and spent a lot of time in Twelve Step programs and they’ve all been helpful to a point. I was shocked to discover though, at my first Vipassana retreat, that events that I had talked over at length in therapy, situations I thought I was over, I had indeed not recovered from. In deep meditation I discovered they were still there.
And that’s where meditation blasts everything else out of the ballpark. If we are willing to stick with it, to really do the work, then miracles can happen. I’ve had realisations meditating that I would never have come to in a lifetime of talking. Meditation breaks down the wall between the conscious mind, the mind we think is in control, and the unconscious mind that’s really driving everything we think and do. Our conscious mind chatters on and on with its beliefs, justifications and solutions and thinks it’s so smart. It’s been a shock to become aware of how little power our thinking mind has. That the power lies beneath.”
MOVING ON, WHAT’S THE MANTRA YOU TRY TO LIVE BY DAY TO DAY?
“Take a breath. Vipassana meditation starts with this. Observing the breath, as it is. Not as we would like it to be, but as it is. One breath is all it takes to make a choice but more importantly to know we have the power to make that choice.
I’ve been very good at choosing my own misery – by regretting the past, worrying about the future and, if I didn’t have anything to be scared of or concerned about, making something up. Crazy! Meditation gives me freedom from that misery. I take a breath and make a choice.”
@MissyMaryLou
Sex, Drugs and Meditation by Mary-Lou Stephens is out now on MacMillan Australia.
