HOW TO BE INTIMATE: ACCESSING THE HOLY F***

If your body doesn’t know how to be intimate, you’ll never know the true spiritual unfolding of the Holy Fuck, says Hanna Bier. Images: From Lovers and Lovers II by Giulia Bersani

Do you ever wonder why all of your fucks are great but never end up in a truly fulfilling relationship? How can it be that the sex blows your mind, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to keep you together? It’s not that you don’t want it to work out, it just somehow never does.

I get this question all the time: Why isn’t the Holy Fuck enough to keep a relationship going? 

And every time I answer: It is enough. Because what you’re experiencing isn’t the Holy Fuck.

The Holy Fuck screws two humans together so they are inseparable even when miles apart. The Holy Fuck elevates you both and crushes your illusions with every thrust. And the Holy Fuck doesn’t just happen when you are having sex. The Holy Fuck leaves you simmering in between fuck sessions, and it’s in your conversations, the meals you share together. The Holy Fuck is way more than great sex, and it doesn’t happen with just anyone. It has to be with someone you are open to melting into with every fiber of your being.

Do not ever be misled: in a woman’s body, sex is deep energetic work.

The full power of the feminine is seated in the womb space, the place below your navel, where your sexual organs are located. This is where all female magic is rooted: baby creation, desire, intuition, connection to our past lives, and so much more. And when the energy of the Goddess, also located here, is penetrated by the energy of the God, originating in the phallic thrust, there is an energetic unfolding in the female body that is nothing short of a spiritual awakening. For this reason, it is my belief that our feminine power is directly related to how well and how thoroughly we get fucked.

But two things are crucial to remember when we talk about the feminine body: she can only orgasm if she is both deeply relaxed and feeling safe, as well as experiencing some level of “positive stress.”

Positive stress can be anything that excites you and makes you feel alive, be that a gentle bite of your nipple or a full-on Shades of Grey playroom experience. Whatever spikes your energy in a positive and stimulating way is positive stress. The level of positive stress needed for sexual arousal varies from body to body. And if your nervous system has been through tremendous amounts of strain and fear, it needs more stimulation than a nervous system that has been mostly at ease.

All of us need sex to be exciting, dirty, and sultry. But some of us need more stimulus than others, and are drawn to sex that’s more violent, loud and forceful. It’s like we can’t fall until we’re pushed. We can’t surrender until we have been broken open. The masculine energy has to be incredibly strong and persistent for us to fully let go. And this can feel like how to be intimate.

But if this is you, it’s crucial to remember that just because a person is willing and able to give us that level of positive stress, enabling us to experience a different dimension of sexual rapture, it doesn’t mean that they’re good for us on every level.

If this is you, a person who is not willing to tie you down and challenge you until you come will likely be dismissed as too boring and tame. You know you are a wild one, and you are looking for a counterpart who can penetrate you even while you are holding back (trying to protect your wounds).

But if the stimulation of your nervous system happens at the expense of your emotional and spiritual well-being, you are basically choosing to be with an asshole because this is the only type of person ballsy enough to intimidate you into being sexual! As long as you are kept in a constant state of tension by an unwillingness to let go and be taken care of, you will surely choose those who arouse you – but not those who truly satisfy you.

The cure:

#1 Get the fuck back in touch with your feminine sexual essence. Get some Goddess cards out and stop riding your adrenals like a Arabian race horse. Get some yin yoga going, and have some mung bean stew. Learn to relax and undo the damage all the years of constant drama have done to your nervous system. The more that we can soften and open, the easier it is for our nervous system to spike again, when we are under positive stress. Much less stimulation is needed to get you going, and there will be a bigger capacity for sexual depth. Relaxation and self-care is directly related to your ability to experience sexual rapture.

#2 Notice how you react when somebody is being soft and attentive around you. Do you open and take it all in, receiving it fully? Or do you close off and numb down? Oftentimes, we dismiss the good guys as too tame and too boring, when the real issue is rather that the feminine in us isn’t used to being adored like that, and shuts any kind of soft attention out right away.

#3 Reawaken your vagina by massaging her, touching her and listening to her. Her natural state knows how to be intimate, to be soft and receptive, she doesn’t want or need to be violated in order to feel something. As you learn to soothe her, with time she will become more sensitive, and no longer yearn for excessive stimulation. You can do this by working with a Jade egg, massaging your vagina, deepening your self-pleasure practice or simply swaying your hips. Become aware of the tight spots and just stay with whatever experience comes up for you. Slowly, you’ll begin to unravel the past and reveal the glory of your feminine power.

Your vagina isn’t naturally numb – once you learn to tune into her, you will soften and become truly receptive. Only then will you no longer feel the need to choose partners based on the state of your overloaded nervous system, but rather be free to choose your God based on true compatibility. Only once your vagina becomes truly receptive, will you be able to attract a partner you can find not only physical, but emotional and spiritual enlightenment with.

And then the Holy Fuck will be yours!