Our agony aunt the Self Help Hipster has some Esther and Jerry Hicks wisdom for a reluctant love cynic.
Dear SHH,
“I have been single for six years now, and all I really want is to meet somebody to settle down with. I’m 37, but it’s not even about having a family. I’m ambivalent about motherhood, but I crave real intimacy in my life – outside of my immediate family and long-term friends.
I did meet somebody recently who I felt a real connection with. We dated fairly seriously for three months or so, but when I told him how I felt, like this could be something really special, he told me I was going too fast. So I broke it off. If he wasn’t feeling the same as me, what was the point? Get even more emotionally involved, only to find out further down the line that he just wasn’t ‘that into me’?
So I’m on my own again. And the pickings at my age are fairly thin – most people I know are only on their first kid, let alone their first divorce. And therein lies my secondary issue – my situation has brought out the cynic in me. Is there a way I could be thinking differently about things?”
Dear Scared of Own Cynicism,
First of all, I think you should be applauded: your clarity about what you want, your honesty and your courage to make decisions, even when it sucks? Something all women should aspire to.
You write about becoming cynical – about the slim pickings of dateable men, about finding your partner, and say that you’re looking for a different way to see things. I might just have the thing for you.
In cognitive therapy they call it “challenging negative and/or unrealistic thoughts”, while Jerry & Esther Hicks (Teachings of Abraham) introduce something similar called the “Thought Wheel”.
See, it might be a little too hard to go straight from “I can’t find a dateable man” to “I can feel it in my bones, I’m going to find Mr Right tomorrow!” So in this exercise you work to go from that negative thought to a positive thought you can get behind.
For example, your starting point might be: “I’m never going to be able to find a great guy.” Slightly more positive, realistic thoughts to choose from would be things that include the greater scale of things – “People find romantic partners every day”, “A lot of people find love in their late thirties”, “There are a lot of single men of all ages”, to more specifically about you – “I can find a partner that is right for me” and “I will find a great guy to be with, or he will find me.”
Whatever positive thought feels right and realistic enough for you, hop on board whenever you feel yourself on a cynical or negative downward spiral. You can also use visualization (all the single men or all the happy people in relationships), just find and use the positive beliefs that you can hold onto.
Best of luck (and love interests!) to you,
SHH
www.theselfhelphipster.com
@SelfHelpHipster
